Are You Ever Going To Blog About The Padres?

I haven't written much about the Padres this Spring Training because, in part, I was once again drawn kicking and screaming into the Tragicomedy that was Illinois basketball during the reign of the 2011 senior class. But after last Sunday's loss to Kansas in the third round of the NCAA Tournament, the Mike Davis-Bill Cole-Demetri McCamey-Mike Tisdale era is over at the University of Illinois, and I can now avert my eyes toward the greatest baseball team in the history of known universe: the San Diego Padres.

Of course the Illini weren't the only thing occupying my attention this March. A few weeks ago, on March 7, my wife gave birth to our first child, a daughter we named Maia. "Maia" is a name of Greek origin. Neither my wife nor I are at all Greek but we liked the name. In Greek mythology, Maia was the eldest of the Pleiades. Until recently I never knew what the "Pleiades" referred to, but I now know they were the seven daughters of Atlas and Pleione. Maia was the oldest and most beautiful of the daughters, and also the shyest. I like those traits.

In not as good news, Maia was apparently raped by that sonuvabitch Zeus and conceived the bastard son Hermes. Hermes went on to become the god of travelers, sports, and literature, three of my favorite things, as well as found a very successful high-fashion luxury goods company based in Paris, so the rape wasn't a complete disaster. But if I ever come across Zeus in a dark alley I'm going to shove a lightning bolt up his -

Maia is also identified with Maia Maiestas, an ancient Italic goddess of Spring. Maybe I'll call my daughter Maia Maiestas sometimes. I kind of like that idea. It also supports a long held theory of mine that the best goddesses are Italic goddesses.

Tolkien also created some denizens of Middle Earth called the Maiar (singular: Maia). They are lesser Ainur who entered Ea in the beginning of time, supporting another theory of mine that Tolkien was a weird weird dude. (Though apparenly Gandalf the Grey was Maiar so it doesn't get much better in terms of Middle Earth denizens than that.)

Given her connection to the gods it comes as no surprise that Maia is also the name of a star. It's in the Taurus constellation and is a blue giant, which means it's about 10x as bright as the Sun, give or take. Maia in particular is 5 1/2 times the size of the Sun and is best seen in the high Northern Hemisphere during autumn and winter. I've wanted to buy a telescope ever since I saw Can't Buy Me Love. Now I have an excuse that doesn't involve Pat Dempsey.

There is a football club in Portugal called F.C. Maia. I need to buy Maia an F.C. Maia t-shirt very soon. I'd do it online if the team had an online store (Man Utd. they are not), but since their official team website isn't even working, I might need to take a road trip to the Portugese town of Maia and pay a visit to club HQ.

Maia is also the name of a Colombian singer who has a song called "Nina Bonita." In English "nina bonita" means "pretty girl" which, coincidentally, describes my daughter. Maia the singer hails from Barranquilla, Colombia, also the hometown of Shakira, Sofia Vergara, and Edgar Renteria, proving that no matter the track record, not everyone from a city can be really really good looking.

Finally, MAIA stands for the Michigan Association of Insurance Agents, the Massachusetts Association of Insurance Agents, and the Martial Arts Industry Association. I can assure you she is named for none of those organizations, though she may learn a martial art, so she knows how to fight off Zeus.