Power Rankings For Fools

ESPN released their mid-May NFL Power Rankings today.

Here are their top 7 teams.

1. Stillers
2. Patsies
3. Gints
4. Iggles
5. Scrolts
6. Ravinians
7. BOLTS

What a load of horse puckey.

ESPN honestly thinks the Chargers are only the seventh best team in football? Is that some sort of joke?

Let's look at the teams ESPN thinks are better than the Bolts and see if they pass muster.

1. the Steelers: they won the Super Bowl and have most everybody back. They lost a deep-threat receiver and it'll be interesting to see if my boy Mendenhall is any good and if Ben Roethlisboober has any drive to win this season with the extra ring weighing him down, but generally I'm fine with them being ranked ahead of the Chargers.

2. the Patriots: Brady is back and they're good with Brady, but there are questions about his knee and some questions about the defensive secondary. I'm marginally okay with them being ranked ahead of the Chargers.

3. the Giants: They get Umeniyora back but Plax is gone. Just like Felipe Rios is better than Eli Manning, the Chargers are better than the Giants. I'm not okay with them being ranked ahead of the Chargers.

4. the Iggles: Everyone is fawning over their offensive pickups. Okay, so let's see them on the field before we blindly decide they're going to integrate seamlessly into the offense. Also, don't forget defensive genius Jim Johnson is taking a leave of absence. I'm not okay with them being ranked ahead of the Chargers.

5. the Colts: What a joke. How many times do the Chargers have to beat on these guys before people realize they aren't as good as the Bolts. They are working with an entirely new coaching staff and Peyton no longer has Marvin and Reggie in their primes. People can wish that Anthony Gonzalez is a fitting replacement for those beasts but he isn't. And their defense has a total of two good players both of whom are always injured. I'm not okay with them being ranked ahead of the Chargers.

6. the Ravens: I just vomited up my spaghetti dinner all over my sofa. Luckily my sofa is 8 years old and was free. The average age of the Ravens defense is 46 years old, they lost their defensive coordinator, they have a tougher schedule next season and Flacco is only entering his second - i.e. sophomore - season. They might win 8 games. Might. I'm not okay with them being ranked ahead of the Chargers.

So that's that. The Chargers are a top 3 team in the League at worst. Any opinion to the contrary is a foolish opinion.

I hope nobody at ESPN showed Shawne Merriman these rankings. He'd eat their head off.

I've got no more use for this witness.